Throwback Thursday V

Hello to you out there :)

Today we are not gonna go back to far just till February. For all of you that don't know this yet: I was in a car crash. It wasn't my fault and I wasn't even driving but my injuries were pretty severe.
Now some of you might say that February was quite a while ago why is she still writing about it? And I would agree with you. I'm really over it and I have had enough to be quite honest but it seems like the accident just isn't done with me yet.

Today was one of those days where it made me feel poorly and it really got to me.
I had to go back to hospital because my back was causing me a lot of pain lately and my doctor said that a fractured vertebra couldn't be ruled out until they did another x-ray. I don't think I need to say that I was pretty shaken up.
I was shocked to hear that they might not have seen that back in February and that the list of bones I broke in the accident might have just gotten a little longer.

So I went in today not knowing what would happen, luckily a good friend offered to come with me. I don't think it showed but I actually felt relieved he came along and if you read this ( which I know you will) I'm very grateful and appreciate it a lot that you took the time to sit around in a hospital for almost 2 hours cause it might not have been obvious but I was nervous.
I know this doesn't sound like the worlds end and it wasn't, but what made this day so nerve-racking for me was the fact that I thought the accident was behind me and I could move on.
It made that feeling of not being able to trust my body very present again and I hate not being in control. This whole situation is something that was taken out of my hands completely. I can just go along with it and see what gets thrown my way which is terrifying for me.
The fact that I was supposed to be fine after my operation was done and my physiotherapy went well makes it harder to accept the fact that this accident still is a huge part of my life.
I couldn't and didn't want to admit that until today. I didn't want to be seen as the person that was in a car crash anymore because all this worrying about me is quite tiring. And I don't define myself as that person.
Yeah I have a scar and yes people will always ask where I got it from but I would love to be able to tell them that it happened but I'm fine now.
And today I found out I'm not fine that in fact this whole thing still isn't over.
And I'm angry, mostly with myself but still. I hate the fact that again I'm getting mad at my sister for driving that car and being at fault but not actually having any really bad injuries.
Accidents happen and I know that but I get those days where I keep wondering why it had to be me and why she got away with next to nothing.
I'm not a resentful person but it is days like today where I can't help it.
It upsets me to think of my sister like that.
I love her.... although I'm probably not gonna get in a car with her in the close future :)

In the end I didn't have to add another fractured bone to my list but the outcome was still annoying for me simply due to the fact that there is yet another consequence of the accident that I have to deal with.
A part of my spine is twisted and slightly shifted to the right and basically my whole posture is wonky as a result of me taking a relieving posture to favor my broken collarbone.
There is gonna be physiotherapy again and another follow up in 4 weeks.

It's nothing bad but I can't get myself to be happy about it. I guess I spend my day pitying myself and I'm frustrated that this happened yet again.
But as a result I have also decided that this was the last time this is getting me down.
Go f*** yourself accident. Seriously I mean it: I don't care anymore what other stuff will come out of this, I will accept it and it won't affect me like this again.
I hate feeling the way I did today and by saying it is okay I'm taking control again.
Self-pity is an awful feeling that I personally completely detest. So go away and don't come back. I have had enough of this crap!!

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that no matter what happens to us we still have the power to decide what we are gonna make of it.
Life might take away your ability to walk or tie you to a bed for 3 weeks like it did me but what we make of it is entirely up to us.
We can't blame life or others for our misery! The only person we should be pointing fingers at is ourself.
It is okay to feel bad and even a bit of self-pity is okay here and there but don't let it catch hold of you. It can not become the main part of your life!

And especially for me I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm lucky to be alive and other people don't survive car accidents like mine.

Sleep tight and keep being amazing :)

x
J.