So 3 month ago to the day I had an operation after I had been in a car accident. And today I am finally back to normal. At least as normal as it can get after something like this happens to you.
But first things first:
I wasn't the one driving the car I only sat in teh back seat but my injuries were the most severe. I don't remember much how it actually happened the last thing I do remember is seeing us drive towards the other car that we crashed into. I have a view memories of me lying on the street after my sisters boyfriend hat pulled me put of the car but other than that I don't remember anything. The next thing that is clear is me waking up in hospital, I was told later on that I had been unconscious for most of the time cause I hit my head pretty bad on the car window.
I have memories that I would say fit into maybe 10 minutes form me being in the emergency room but my mum says I was awake and unconscious on and off for about 45 minutes.
Waking up for the first time I was disorientated I had no idea what was going on and couldn't even remember what had happened before I woke up. I couldn't remember getting in the car with my sister and her boyfriend or even being at home at all. The last thing I remebered was me getting on a train to go home for a weekend. So I felt pretty lost and scared cause I had no idea what was going on and everything I saw was so blurry so everthing just didn't seem that real to me.
I remember this doctor pulling tubes out of my arm and attaching new ones just constantly fiddling with things and being really busy. But I couldn't see her properly and thats when I started thinking about things and coming out of shock I guess. I felt helpless and I wasn't able to move and than the pain hit me, it liturally felt like someone was sitting on my chest but I couldn't scream cause I didn't get enough air. Breathing was so hard and I got so frightened till I heard my mums voice. It was this weird moment when I felt her holding my hand and she started takling to me. I have no idea what she said but I know exactly how I felt. I still felt the pain and I knew something was really wrong but at the same time I knew everything was going to be okay because my mum was there with me. It was so calming and I never thought that my mum ( at my age) could still ahve that much effect on me but in times like that you discovere that bond to your parents on a whole different level. I can only imagine it having felt that way as I was younger.
So I was still freaked out but at least I wasn't alone anymore and there was someone who had all the answers to the things I needed to know. And with all that relief I felt the words just bubbled out of my mouth as I was trying to tell my mum where i was hurting and at the same time I was trying to listen to the doctor to figure out what had happened.
So I foung out that my sternum was broken some ribs were cracked and they weren't sure if my hip was okay or not and if my ankle might be broken aswell. Also I had punktured my lungs witht he borken ribs but they would jsut give me oxygen and that would be all tehy could do about that.
Next thing I know I was in a room but I have no idea how I got there I guess my brain just blocked my memories about the most paoinful moments or something. I don't really know :)
My mum eventually had to go home after she and my dad had been there for another while and they said tehy would be back in the morning and asked if I would be okay. I was so high on peinkillers that I was just like: Sure you go one home I'll be fine. Turns out that was a really bad idea.
That night was really stressfull to me cause for the first time I really realised what would be happening to me. That there was no way this would be over fast. And I started thinking about all the things I woudl be missing ( this happend after my semester break had just started so all my vacation I had planned wasn't going to happen) . I was really stressed out about everything I was in pain, I was getting oxygen with this tube through my nose that was really itcy but I couldn't move casue there were needles and tubes everywhere. Every half an hour the EEG automatically scaled my blood pressure and I constanly listened to my heart rythm beeping. and if that wouldn't have been enough I needed to pee quite alot that night which is not very pleasant when you can't move let me tell you that and the woman in the bed next to me was snoring really bad.
I must have dozed off a couple of times because of the morphine I was getting but I didn't really sleep.
So I was basically lying there not able to move and not able to sleep waiting for it to be morning so my parents would be back or for the moment I would wake up from this really bad dream. I still couldn't believe that this was the situation I would be in for the next 6 weeks. In some way I was still convinced that all of this was a really bad joke and I would jsut get up and walk out of the hospital the next morning, that was what I told myself so I would get through the night. Some part of me knew that was not going to happen but I wasn't goign to admit that to myself at this point.
The next morning eventually came and the doctors came to check on me. I hadn't been allowed any breakfast which freaked me out again cause I had no idea what was going on. So when they came they told me I would be operated today which was the reason I wasn't allowed to eat anything.
So I was stressed out not having slept the night and my parents weren't there yet so I paniced. I started crying and was a total mess. I felt like the world was going to end cause there was no one here with me on my side to tell me I was going to be okay or just hold my hand to give me some strenght cause god I felt like all energy was drawn from me.
I found out thast my colar bone was also broken which explained why I wasn't able to move my left arm without fainting. And than I was like: wait... what? Borken colar bone? My hip is broken and my ankle and some ribs and my sternum but no one ever said something about a broken colar bone. Thats when I really lost it cause it was 10 minutes past 10 am and my parents weren't there yet ( they had said they would be there at 10 am) and I just had no more energy to fight this battle on my own. One of the doctors came to sit next to me and started stroking my hand while explaining to me that the x-rays had shown that my hip and ankle both were fine. And than he started that child locig where he tried getting me to agree with him that a broken colar bone was way better than a broken hip bone. Like explaining to a three year old that the red balloon is way cooler than the blue one that just burst. And at that moment it seemed so logic to me, thinking back to that moment now I really havve to laugh. I mean Im 21 and he reasond with me like you would with a 3 year old lol. It was the only logic that worked for me at that point I could deal with operations if that meant getting out of hospital sooner.
But by the time my mum walked into the room I burst into tears and called her name reacing for her with my right arm ( the only thing I could really move :D). I just needed her comfort really bad. I have no idea how my mum must have felt at that moment but I sure as hell know I never wanna find out.
From there on thisn started getting better they operated on me on a Tuesday ( accident was saturday evening) because they had to wait for my lung to heal. On Wednesday, when they took me off the good stuff and just gave me pills I also found out I had a broken tailbone because I just simply couldn't sit :D
After that things stared getting better.
I still had some scratches, bruises and a pretty long scar on my colar bone but I finally knew for sure that I was going to be okay. I knew what would happend next and in some way I had control over my life again.
Cause to be fair that was the worst part of the whole thing. I had no control whatsoever about anything that had happpened to me or was to happen.
After I got out of hospital I lived with my grandma for a bit cause I just wasn't ale to do anything on my own. I couldn't even pull my pants down by myself cause I wasn't able to bend over. It's a really weird feeling when you know exactly what you need to do to get something done but you have to watch somebody else do it. I never realised how lucky I was being healthy and everything.
I got visits from my best friend while I was in hospital and that was probably the day I started laughing again which hurt like hell but felt reallg good :D I still was frustrated from time to time when I couldn't sleep at night because my back hurt or my butt did but at least I could laugh again.
There is two things I learned from this accident:
1. If you hold a grude against someone the only one that suffers from that is you. The other person won't get affected at all and you will feel bad for no reason. I mean yeah at first I was pretty pissed at my sister, after all she was the one who got me into the whole thing but I realised that being mad at her only made me miserable it didn't do anything to her at all.
2. Life is to short to do things you don't like. I know this sounds so cliche but it is so true. I realised that my life could have been over that day. I know in teh beginngin people always said to me: You were so lucky it could have been worse. And all I thought was: It's bad enough believe me I don't need worse. I mean yeah I get it I could have died but in a moment were you are in pain you don't give a fuck about it being worse you just want it to get better. Looking back I know it could have been worse and I get it. I greatful for being alive and I'm not gonna waste one more moment with things that I'm not 100% sure about. If I feel like something is not right for me I will try to change it till it feels right to me. I know that can be risky at times but I also know how one moment can change the whole picture.
And this is what I have to always remind me of those two things:
So today is the day where everything goes back to normal. I am healthy again I am allowed to do everything again even though I still have some problems from time to time I'm fine because this is me know. I am a cyborg with titanium in my body but that's who I am now. And even though that scar might look aweful to some people I came to like it :)
Accept who you are and you will be the most true version of yourself :)
x
J.
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