Monday

Hello to all of you out there :)

It is Monday, the first day of a new week. I thought it would be a good day to finally face the fact that I'm not happy with the way things go at the moment. 
Ever since my accident I have been feeling restless like I was missing out on something. I thought I just had to get my life back together and focus on the semester ahead but it has only gotten worse since then.
I don't feel like going to university is enough for me anymore, somethinng is missing and it took me a really long time to figure that out.
Along the way of figuring it out I started this blog and it seemed to help for a while but now after almost 2 months this feeling of missing out on something is back. I don't feel complete anymore and then I realised that what I miss most is being creativ. Living the creative side of myself. I had suppressed it for to long!!

Here at university I go to lectures and attend all my courses and try to fit all this information into my head. 
All I really do is put stuff in there without doing anything with it.
 I have basically lost all touch with my creative side and I remember listening to a speech by Sir Ken Robinson about school killing creativity and thinking that university had done the exact same thing with me. 
That is why creating this blog, where I could just ramble on about whatever I wanted, helped me feel better. 
This blog is something I really wanted to do, it has created a plattform where I can take stuff out of my head and write about it. 
But it wasn't enough, there was still to much stuff that my brain wanted to get rid off, ideas that had to be released. 
I have such an urge to be creative to express myself that just sitting at university taking more and more information in was nothing I could do in the long run. 

Whilst being in school I was in a choir and in our drama club. 
In my free time I was writing poems and short stories and whenever there was time I would go out with a camera and take pictures. 
I didn't realise that I needed all those things until I stopped doing it because I thought concentrating on my degree was more important now.
And wow was I wrong. 
Over the last 3 month I have been doubting myself and every desicion I made since going to university because the only thing I new for sure was that I wasn't happy. 
That doing what I did was not satisfying. 

And I finally figured out why: I need to start reconnecting with creative me. I need to start drawing again. I need to buy a camera so I can take pictures of things and people. 
And I might need to find a way to be on stage again because that is my passion. Rehearsing for a play and getting into charakter always gave me a feeling of satisfaction. It wasn't even so much about the final moment when you are on stage, for me it was the whole experience. Rehearsing for months, being with all the other people that help bring a play to life and this feeling of belonging. Over time we would grow together as a group and at the end you had a whole bunch of new friends outside your own class and most of the time even outside your usual group of friends. That's what I loved so much about it and I just completely forgot about that feeling while I was focused on my degree. 
It made me sad and at the same time I came to a decision: Even though I might not be able to be on stage anymore, because there is no drama club at university, I will most certainly go to the theater more. Since I moved to Augsburg I have been once and before that we used to go at least once a month. Now I go to the movies a lot because that is what most of my friends like to do but it's not the same. It doesn't give me what I used to get from going to the theater. There is no way of comparing an actor in a movie to one that is on stage. It is a different experience.

So I went out today to buy 2 things:
1. I bought proper crayons and some real paper because that stuff I use to write my notes on might be enough for that but I needed something else. I needed paper that wouldn't remind me of notes, paper that was for something else entirely. Cost me quite a bit of money but I already feel better. 
Just knowing that there is the possibillity of doing something creative inbetween all the studying shut up that little person in my head telling me I wasn't doing what I loved doing anymore. 
2. a monthly pass to the theater. Again not cheap but I don't regret doing it at all. 

Now this little nag in my head is silent and I hope it stays that way for a while.
Other than that I have concluded that I might need to change my subject at university. As for now I'm studying lectureship with English and German as my main subjects. 
Now I don't want to change those but I think lectureship might not be the right thing for me after all. 
I will figure that out this week and see how just changing what I do now into a bachelor of arts in German and English works out and if I'm going to survive that decision since my dad is a teacher and is probably going to kill me for that :D ( no he is not but still breaking that to my parents might take a lot of courage)


And here is some music since that is what Mondays are all about :)
I have been listening to this song quite a lot this week as it also is the song that I write my blog posts to :)
I dn't know what it is about this song that makes wiritng a lot easier :)

So if you have a little nag in your head telling you that you need to change something you should do it.
And if you are to creative to sit still and just memorise things then get up and do something else until you can sit again.

If it makes you happy it is always the right thing to do!!!!


 x
J.