27 March 2014

A Chat with Me

Hi everyone :)

For quite a while now I have been wondering what it would be like to meet my 17 year old self. What would I say to younger me what kind of questions would younger me maybe have?
I have called younger me Yesterday and present day me Tomorrow so you can tell which is which.

Here goes nothing:

Yesterday is sitting in her favourite spot, it is quite there, almost like you could here the leaves fall from the trees. A stream is slowly murmuring it's way through the forest and a peaceful silence lies over it all. 
Yesterday came here alone, to get her head clear and try to sort somethings out, but now someone is taking a seat right next to her, on the small space that is left on the stub. 
This person is just a s quiet as she is, they aren't saying anything just sitting there and looking out over the clearing in front of them. 
Yesterday doesn't feel disturbed, if anything sitting here has just become more liberating then it was before. 
But who is this person that just came here and decided to take part in her well deserved loneliness.
Yesterday looks up and right and gets even more confused, because this is her. It is her sitting next to her and at the same time it is not. Just as she is about to say something this other her turns their head and looks down at her with the same brown green eyes that she finds so uninterestingly dull.

T: I am Tomorow. Nice to meet you.
Y: You are me.
T: Not correct, I used to be you.

Yesterday doesn't know what to say, she doesn't think she likes this Tomorrow person. So instead of saying anything else, she looks down at her feet.

T: Don't you think that this might not be the right time to stare at your feet?
Y: What do you want with me? 
T: I just want to talk. Maybe help you out? 
Y: I don't need your help.

Tomorrow laughs, it is decided Yesterday definitely doesn't like this person. This person that seems so sure about themself, this person that just pops up out of nowhere and isn't anything like Yesterday expects herself to be in 10 years. Or how old is Tomorrow anyway?

Y: How old are you?
T: Not important!
Y: But...
T: You can ask me whatever you want and the first thing you come up with is: How old are you?

Yesterday looks down at her feet again and starts playing with the hem of her T-shirt, she doesn't know what else to do. She doesn't know this person, although she claims to have once been just like Yesterday. It isn't easy to talk to strangers, Yesterday has never been good at it, she doesn't feel comfortable enough. She doesn't know what they expect from her, it is just hard to do!

T: Okay this is going nowhere. I had actually forgotten that it was this hard at 17, so I will start, that okay?

Yesterday just nods.

T: So: Hi I am Tomorrow. You will be me in a couple of years and I am here to offer some advice if you want it and to tell you that no matter how bad things might look right now, or how out of place you feel, you will get there.
Y: You sound like you have it all figured out!

Yesterday doesn't look up but at least she stops to nervously fiddle with her clothes.

T: Oh I am far from that, love. I might just be a lot happier than you are right now.
Y: So what advice could you give me than? If I still don't know what I want to do with myself in 10 years what's the point of it all?
T: I am offended. You really think I am 27? 

Tomorrow raises her eyebrows at the younger girl and looks disturbed but in a teasing way. Yesterday doesn't know how to do that. She knows that emotion on the older's face she just doesn't feel confident enough to use it. It's one of her stage faces, one of those that Yesterday only gets to use when she is trying to be someone else. 
So she looks at this older version of herself closely for the first time.
She is beautiful that's what she notices first. Her hair doesn't have this boring grayish colour anymore but is a full chocolate brown that reflects the sunlight. And she dresses a lot differently, although Yesterday thinks, it probably isn't that different, it just is how she would dress, if she actually were brave enough. 

T: You are awfully quiet. Is there really nothing you would want to say?
Y: I don't know. You seem so.... you look like you are okay. You look like I am going to be okay.
T: Yeah, I guess I am, aren't I? There are things in your life at the moment that seem like a lot to take on but believe me when I say you will come out stronger.
Y: That sounds really cheesy.
T: Yeah, right? See we aren't that distinct. 
Y: Oh but we are, I am nowhere near you on a scale from one to 10.

She laughs again, and even her laugh is different. It is the kind of laugh that makes you want to join because it sounds so carefree, so liberating.

T: That has always been our problem though, you have to stop comparing yourself to others.
Y: I am not.
T: You have just told me that I am better than you sweetheart, you seem to be forgetting that I am you. 
Y: I just don't know. I came here to figure out what to do about all the crazy that is going on.
T: Oh I know exactly why you came here. 
Y: Yeah been there done that, I get it. You are still not helping me.

Yesterday looks up to Tomorrow for the first time since they started this weird chat and is met with a caring expression on the others face. 
Tomorrow reaches her hand out and tucks an escaped strand of hair back behind Yesterdays ear.

T: Listen, I am not here to lecture you, but did you really think sleeping with the brother of the guy you are in love with was a great idea?
Y: Probably not?

Tomorrow just shakes her head and pulls Yesterday in for a sideways hug. It is comforting, and finally someone has said what Yesterday has been asking herself this whole time.

Y: I don't even know why I did it. 
T: I am quite a bit older than you and I can tell you I don't either. But, I can tell you waiting would have been absolutely worth it. 
Y: What do you mean? Are you trying to tell me that had I waited I would have had my first time with the guy I have been in love with for 2 years now?
T: Not what I was saying! I just told you waiting would have been worth it.
Y: Will I ever be with M.?
T: I am not sure if I should tell you that.
Y: That is not a no!

Yesterday was getting excited, what if this older version of herself was with M. right now? What if there really was a happy ending to this story? She freed herself from the hug she was still in and looked at Tomorrow expectedly.

T: It wasn't a no Yesterday, but it wasn't a yes either. 
Y: Oh common, don't be so mysterious. 
T: (sighs) I am not with him where I am from, but he is still you best friend, if that helps.
Y: Will I still love him?
T: I think we always will love. Even if we never get to be with him.
Y: That sounds very depressing.

She looks down at her feet again, while Tomorrow lets her eyes roam over the forest.

T: I promise you, even though you might not believe it know, you will love other people. Great people. People who are kind to you and treat you like the center of their universe. There is an amazing guy waiting for you out there.
Y: Mhm....
T: (smiling) Oh please don't be like that. If it makes you feel any better he will admit that he loves you as well.
Y: That didn't help at all.

But at least Yesterday laughs at that.

Y: Will I make friends in school next year?
T: You already have friends there, just not the ones that you think you need. 
Y: And what about the whole... you know!
T: That will make you who I am now. And you don't need these people, trust me!

There is silence again, but it's not heavy or uncomfortable, it's just there to process everything. 

Y: What if I want to be friends with these people. What do I have to do.
T: Nothing!
Y: But they don't like me, so what do I do?
T: See that is what you don't get: If someone doesn't like you than they don't, there is nothing you can do to change that. And you don't have to either.
Y: And if I...

Tomorrow turns very abruptly towards Yesterday.

T: NO! Listen love, if someone doesn't like you for who you are then don't bother with them. You are a great person if you let yourself be who you are.
Y: You say that like it is that easy!
T: (grabbing Yesterday's shoulders) Oh but it is love! You are so wonderful and beautiful and creative, you just have to start seeing that.
Y: I am nothing if boring. 

Tomorrow hugs her tight at that and Yesterday might cry a little, because no one has ever said something like that to her.

T: Mum might criticize you a lot love but she only does it to help you. Nan only wants what's best for you as well and the only thing that is really holding you back is that stupid voice in your head that keeps telling you to put others first. 

The younger one is full out sobbing now.

T: You are important as well. It is okay to do things just for selfish reasons once in a while. That doesn't make you a bad person.
Y: I just want them to like me.
T: I know love. We are to sensitive for fights.
Y: You aren't!

Tomorrow kisses the top of Yesterdays head and holds her at an arms length so she can look her in the eyes.

T: Some things might change but that never does. I am just better at hiding it.

There is a small smile playing on Yesterday's lips now.

Y: So you are saying I don't have to change that?
T: No, the only thing you will learn is to deal with it better. Believe me you will get really good at telling when someones anger is directed at you and when they are just angry about life and use you as an outlet.
Y: Both of those don't sound nice to me.

Yesterday rubs her face with her hands to clean away the tears and smiles shyly at her older self.

T: You see, my life is far from perfect, and I still don't know what I want to do with it in the long run but I know this: If you are happy, you will be a lot better at making others happy. 
Y: That actually makes sense. So what do I do now?
T: Make loads more mistakes because that is the only way you can learn and don't be afraid to make them.

They both fall into silence again after that and when Yesterday looks to the right again to thank her companion, she is gone. 


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